20 Safety Tips for Penny Players:
A checklist I came up with, inspired by events of recent weeks...
1) Please do not snort the koolaid. It does not make you a better investor.
2) Try to avoid recreationals during trading hours in general. They make you do reckless things like buy stocks with no bids and billions of shares outstanding, or a CEO who challenges message board posters to a fistfight.
3) Never borrow money to buy a penny stock. If you have a death wish, it is far easier to put cyanide in the Koolaid, or take a bath with your toaster.
4) The implosion potential of a stock is in direct proportion to the number of "Zs", CAPS, exclamation points and spelling errors used in posts promoting it.
5) Don't touch the brown liquor. That's for the accountant. The tickets to Namibia are for the CEO. You get...the bag.
6) Please exercise extreme caution when joining a stock cult. They often end up in bizarre rituals of group financial suicide.
7) Stock cults are not a good place to make friends or meet a mate. Their leaders are usually humorless, alcoholic ex-cons, and active members may have an extra chromosome.
8) Should you find yourself inadvertantly trapped in a stock cult which is on a well planned collision course with the earth's core, or the SEC, please identify all exits ahead of time for an emergency escape.
9) Remember to occasionally switch your brain back to the "ON" position
10) Consider taking 'common sense' and 'reason' off "iggy"
11) If half the posts on a stock board are being deleted, assume this is not a good sign. Your board moderator should not be using the Texas Chainsaw Handbook of Discussion Management.
12) Make sure the aisles are clear, and remember that in case of a sudden loss of buying pressure, market orders are your friend.
13) Try to avoid barfing on your computer during sharp descents. Smart investors keep a copy of the Wall Street Journal nearby for this purpose. Investors Business Daily is also absorbent.
14) Anytime you hear a "boat" or "truck" reference in the same sentence as a stock, be alarmed. 'Loading the boat' and 'backing up the truck', should immediately conjure images of martime disasters, refugee flotillas, stolen merchandise, and traffic accidents covered by a news helicopter.
15) Practice 'safe speculation' (an oxymoron I know), and never put all your eggs in one basket, unless you like the idea of a big, runny omelette with bits of eggshell and wicker in it.
16) Contrary to popular belief, the best time to buy is not when blood is running in the streets, unless you like the idea of owning a mangled corpse. These concepts do not apply to penny stocks, where the the stock may have been attacked with the lead PIPE of dilution or exposed corruption, and blood can run for weeks leading most often to the stock's agonizing demise in the low sub-pennies.
17) Do not believe rumors that psilocybin lets you see free level 2s in your head. Sadly, it's not true. Not even the organic kind.
18) No, Virginia, MDMA is not a stochastic measure.
19) Never recommend a penny stock to friends or family members, unless you like the thought of receiving death threats for the next ten years, or forever being known as "the schmuck" who recommended they buy that feckin' POS...
20) Bears make money, Bulls make money, Pigs with dreams of 100 baggers get a complimentary ride through the Cuisinart, and generally end up as cat food.
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If you take anything I say as advice, you're crazier than I am.
